haven't felt this shitty in a long time. funny thing is, i didn't do anything wrong, yet i'm still the one getting hurt...

i'm not a stone. i can't take a beating like that and still survive.

edit: the left half of me just died

edit:

there is nothing but a dead silence now. i think everyone left already. i don't think i have been this lonely before. ok, maybe that's not entirely true. come to think of it, that drive from sd back home was pretty bad especially since i almost fell asleep at the wheel. but this is definitely one of the worst ever. my family's far away. i don't really have friends here, and even those i know probably can't do much to help. i just want to dig a hole and get inside until everything passes. ever have that feeling where you see nothing but blackness in your future? that's kinda like how it is right now. this is why i totally understand people who are suicidal. even though, i don't endorse it, but at least i think emotionally and psychologically, i think i know what's going on there. it's a scary feeling though. it really is. i really didn't think i was going to come back to it again. even when i tell myself to block it out, i can't help but feeling the effect of it. like a hole is being bore right in front of you. something used to be there. flesh and bones with feelings, replaced. with emptiness. a walk might be helpful if i wasn't so tired and unmotivated. the thing is, no matter what, no matter how i felt before, it always always gives me that feeling like i need cry. and cry hard.

i wasn't going to be lame and post lyrics on this blog, let along lyrics that are not in english, but i really do like this song by 五月天 (may day), a taiwanese band. so here it is:

當　我和世界不一樣　那就讓我不一樣　
堅持對我來說　就是以剛克剛
我　如果對自己妥協　如果對自己說謊　
即使別人原諒　我也不能原諒

最美的願望　一定最瘋狂　
我就是我自己的神　在我活的地方

我和我最後的倔強　握緊雙手絕對不放
下一站是不是天堂　就算失望不能絕望
我和我驕傲的倔強　我在風中大聲的唱
這一次為自己瘋狂　就這一次　我和我的倔強

對　愛我的人別緊張　我的固執很善良　
我的手越骯髒　眼神越是發光
你　不在乎我的過往　看到了我的翅膀　
你說被火燒過　才能出現鳳凰

逆風的方向　更適合飛翔　
我不怕千萬人阻擋　只怕自己投降

我和我最後的倔強　握緊雙手絕對不放
下一站是不是天堂　就算失望不能絕望
我和我驕傲的倔強　我在風中大聲的唱
這一次為自己瘋狂　就這一次　我和我的倔強

我和我最後的倔強　握緊雙手絕對不放
下一站是不是天堂　就算失望不能絕望
我和我驕傲的倔強　我在風中大聲的唱
這一次為自己瘋狂　就這一次　我和我的倔強
就這一次　讓我大聲唱

啦啦啦...就算失望　不能絕望
啦啦啦...就這一次　我和我的倔強

this is really the only chinese songs i listen to, but i really think i should get more songs from them. the thing with music these days it that you rarely find creative and meaningful lyrics. everything is so homogeneous. so when you do find something good, you kinda want to hold on to it.

anyway, probably should get back to studying. FVD.

struggles.

haven't gotten a chance to write an update for a few days. been kinda busy. today i had my first midterm of this semester. it was in digital communications. i don't think i did as well as i had hoped since i understood everything taught in the class up to this point. from what i have heard about the teacher, he likes to give hard tests, but he's a fair grader. so we'll see what happens. it shouldn't be that bad.

just finished doing hw for wireless comm. gonna probably type it up tomorrow morning so i can turn it in at noon. took a while for me to do the derivation for the 2 ray model. but thanks to meng, i was able to finally do the approximation using the formula he gave me.

haven't read for dsp in a couple of days. really should make sure i read before the quiz on friday.

haven't really been doing research since school started. there's simply nothing really for me to do. in a way i think that is good, since it gives me more time to focus on the classes. but also, it makes me feel a bit guilty since i'm basically being paid for doing nothing.

anyway, need to file for degree plan this semester. thesis or nonthesis?? need to decide... soon.

rating for 02/13/08: 7

struggles.

yesterday was very inefficient. i did pretty much finish the group website, but unfortunately the group picture needs to be updated, so at some point i think we need to all get together and take a picture. as of now, the old group picture is on the home page. that's why i haven't put the site up yet. need to think of something to put on the home page other than the old group picture.

got to read for wireless a little bit. even though the channel modeling part is pretty difficult but since i have already gone through it once, and dr. cui talked a little bit about it, this time around, it made more sense. the mathematical part is so crazy though.

today is going to be a long day. 3 hours of lecture for two classes plus a lab at night. better get started on the work.

rating for 02/05/08: 5

confusion.

since i have about 4 minutes before i absolutely need to start working, i'm going to make this short. yesterday was somewhat productive. advisor asked me to fix the group website, so i got around to change some of the stuff. still need to do some photoshopping though. hopefully it will be up before the end of the week. i should post the link when it's done.

did a little bit of hw for wireless comm. and then spent about two hours on looking for a summer internship position. *crosses fingers*.

rating for 02/04/08: 6

optimism

yesterday was not very productive in terms of school work. but over all it was not bad. i finished doing the matlab problems for digital communications. think they should all be correct. in the afternoon i went to play basketball. it was the first time in a long time that i played for about 3 hours. afterwards i was exhausted, but it felt really good. i think a few people that i play with are going to start intramural soon. maybe i should participate. if i have some time to spare that is.

today is going to be a busy day. a lot of small things to work on. shouldn't be too bad i think. must go now.

struggles.

today over all was an ok day. i spent most of the morning reading this one paper that my advisor asked me to read for the past two weeks. it's a very difficult to read mainly because of some of the concepts related to graph theory and rigidity theory applied to sensor networks. as a result, i started reading these other reference papers to help me understand some of the ideas. but those were not very helpful either.

group meeting was scary. not because advisor asked me to give updates, but because he didn't say much after i told him about what i have been doing. he told me i might be working with anthony so on some problems that he has been doing. but since he didn't say much today, i think that might not be working out so much. and what's worse is that i don't know how much confidence he has in me about my ability to conduct research.

later in the afternoon, i got an email from him telling me to do the group website. that pretty much confirmed that i probably won't be working on any meaningful research in the near future. and that's pretty disappointing.

i walked by his office later and heard him talking to dr. liu tie about their respective students. i kinda wanted to stick around and see what they think of me, but decided to just not think about it and do the best i can in the task that is assigned to me.

after class, some of my friends went to carino's for dinner. they had some kindava special, so the place was packed. it took us over an hour before we got seats. but over all the food was very satisfying. it was also fun playing uno for a couple of hours after dinner. unfortunately, it's back to work tomorrow.

rating 02/01/08: 7